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Starting a 1-1

I only do about 3-4 one-on-ones per year for a lot of reasons. For one thing, I’m really busy. For another, not everyone needs to work with me. People tend to gravitate to the biggest names and people want one of “the best”. But dating coaching isn’t about “the best”. Sure there is great and good and bad and all that, but there is no objective standard whereby, one instructor is a B+ and another is an A-. It has to be based on the student and his goals.

The type of student who wants to be better at going to nightclubs 6 nights a week and bringing home attractive women – nothing wrong with that, but I don’t do 1-1s that focus on that. I have and I can, but there’s really no need. You can get that significantly cheaper, with guys that are pretty much as good as me at that. I’d maybe make an exception is a guy is already super-advanced and is just looking to fix up a couple tiny aspects of their game, but it’s not what I do a lot of.

The kinds of students I do end up taking on are those who have the rest of their lives handled, are committed to improving in this area, and who know what they want. I don’t mean knowing what you want in terms of a brunette, 5’9, 125, with a tan. I mean, what do you want your social life to look like, if I had a magic wand (which I don’t). Are you looking for a long-term traditional monogamous relationship? If so, what kind of person. Looks are important, but go beyond that. Get into lifestyle, value, choices. That stuff is great, because I think I’m one of the best men in the world at getting inside a woman’s head and understanding how she’d behave in different situations. So we can figurte out what she’d be attracted to, how the right person would approach her, where he’d approach her, what speed he’d move at, etc., etc.

One really useful exercise for this – and one that I’m doing for my 1-1 tonight, about which more later, is to describe this “perfect girl” as if you were a writer and writing her biography. So I want to know where she went ot high school, what her family is like, how she dresses, what she was like in high school or college, what her career goals are if any, what she does for fun, how she fits into her peer group, etc., etc. This has the value of making the “perfect girl” at least internally consistent. If you don’t go through this exercise, what you sometimes end up with is a guy whose perfect girl is sweet, a bit shy, went to Harvard Law School, loves threesomes with other women, won’t cheat, not clingy, but very emotionally supportive, loves football, hates shopping, doesn’t really care what her friends think, isn’t rushing for a commitment, is low-maintenance but always looks beautiful. This woman isn’t internally consistent. Because she doesn’t exist, there’s no point.

I prefer 1-1s to be 2 or more days. So I agreed to take someone on this month who just flew into LA. We’ll be going out tonight and tomorrow. If I can, I like to take them to dinner the night before to get a sense of where their head is. With this guy, I worried a bit about the internal consistency issue and the general direction issue so I asked him by the start of today’s 1-1 to tell me what his dream situation is. It doesn’t have to be a monogamous relationship – in his case, it probably won’t be – but what exactly is it. As Stephen Covey, who I otherwise am not a huge fan of, wrote:

If you don’t know where you’re going, or what it’s going to look like when you get there, your odds of achieving success are very small.

I’m paraphrasing. Anyway. I think any good dating coach should insist that a student have a clear idea of what he wants and how he will know when he’s got it. Otherwise, what is it that you’re teaching?

But this guy I’m pretty excited about. He’s got a good life story, I think with my being able to ask himt he right questions, we’ll figure out what he wants, and we’ll get him the tool kit to get him there. I’ll post more about it in the next couple of days.

Dynamic update coming soon too.

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Comments

  1. Is there a great need to change ones behavior towards a woman when one is in a relationship with her, as opposed to generating enough attraction/comfort and seducing her when you are first meeting?

    I have specific questions regarding that issue, and if there is a response in the works, I will ask via email or however.

  2. Oh, ABSOLUTELY! There is a total and absolutely fundamental shift.

    I’m sure this must have been covered in an OAP. There’s also the possibility of a one-day relationship management seminar in LA. I used to teach a 3-hour piece as a bonus add-on to the regular MM seminars but I don’t teach workshops anymore.

    Too long to go into in a comment. Learning relationship management is as new to most people as learning attraction, comfort, and seduction.

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