If women are going to keep coming here and asking me dating advice, then it’s only fair I post interesting content from a woman’s perspective too.
This comes from Dr Tara Palmatier of http://shrink4men.wordpress.com. I suppose it falls under the category of “inner game”. I should write “you are not a prince” at some point too.
Everything below is from her blog (So “I” = Tara Pamatier):
You Are Not a Princess! 25 Points for Women and Men to Consider
I’ve been writing this blog for almost a year now. In that time, I’ve noticed many double standards and gender inequities in relationships that are culturally acceptable. Here are some of my observations for women to consider in terms of their own behavior and for men to consider in terms of their own enlightenment when it comes to women and relationships. The following points don’t apply to all women, however, they apply to enough of them that they’re part of our faulty cultural belief system. Hey ladies (and you know who you are):
1. You are not a princess. You do not deserve to be treated like royalty just by virtue of your sex. You deserve to be treated no better or worse than you treat others.
2. You are not any more “special” nor any more “entitled” than anyone else. You don’t deserve special privileges and nobody “owes” you anything by virtue of who you are or because of your gender.
3. You are just as “lucky” to have found your husband/boyfriend as he was to find you. Have you ever considered that there are times when you are lucky that he puts up with and tolerates you?
4. Men have feelings, too. They hurt just as much as you do when you criticize, reject, dismiss, ignore, make fun of, disrespect, invalidate and/or mock them. In fact, they may hurt more because they don’t have as many emotional outlets as you—especially if you tell him his feelings “don’t count” or to “be a man” when he expresses his feelings that you mistakenly claim he doesn’t have and/or is “wrong” for having. He has feelings and he has a right to them even when they’re not the same as yours and/or are expressed differently than you express yours.
5. If it’s okay for you to have male friends and maintain friendships with your exes, it’s also okay for your husband/boyfriend to have female friends and maintain friendships with his exes. It is not different for you because “you’re a woman.” It’s faulty logic to suppose women are inherently more trustworthy than men. This is called a double standard and it’s not okay. Otherwise, the culturally acceptable pronouncement, “Men are all dogs” should be met with “Women are all bitches” (i.e., female dogs) and should be equally culturally acceptable.
6. A father is just as important in a child’s life as a mother. Period. Just because you have a uterus doesn’t make you the better parent by default.
7. Children are not “hers” and “his” objects. The correct possessive pronoun is “ours.”
8. Your husband/boyfriend does not “owe” you. He shouldn’t be expected to financially support you and shower you with gifts unless you’re willing to reciprocate and equally support him without question or complaint. You’re neither his child nor his dependent. You’re supposed to be his equal partner.
9. Your husband’s/boyfriend’s desires, needs, wishes, feelings, likes and dislikes are just as important as yours. It’s not all about you all the time. You’re supposedly in a mutual and reciprocal relationship; not a service industry/client-vendor relationship.
10. If you’re not willing to make changes in yourself and your behavior, you’ve no right to demand that your husband/boyfriend do so. Nor is it reasonable to demand or expect your husband/boyfriend to make all the changes you want first before you’re willing to do your own work.
11. You are not a better human being by virtue of being a woman. You’re not a goddess. You’re not a sacred cow. You don’t “rule.” You’re a person, just like your husband/boyfriend is a person. You both deserve to be treated with equal dignity and respect when you act and treat each other with dignity and respect.
12. It’s a lie and a manipulation to say you “sacrificed” your career when you never really wanted to work in the first place. If you see your husband/boyfriend as your ticket to freedom from being a wage slave, be honest with yourself and your husband/boyfriend and most important of all, BE GRATEFUL. Having another person pay your way through life is not an inalienable right; it’s an enormous gift for which you should express gratitude on a regular basis.
13. It is wrong to use your child(ren) to hurt, control or extort money from your husband/boyfriend/ex. In fact, it borders on child abuse. Children are not pawns or human shields to be used for your own selfish reasons. They’re people who will later grow to resent you for using them in this fashion and will likely develop psychological problems of their own as a result.
14. It is wrong to expect or demand that your ex continue to financially support you after the relationship ends. The children are entitled to support until they become adults at the age of 18. You’re already an adult and, as such, you’re capable of and should legally be expected to take care of yourself— unless you’re willing to continue to support your ex by doing his grocery shopping, cooking cleaning, errands, etc. If your obligations to your husband are finished after a divorce, so should be his obligations to you.
15. Your husband/boyfriend is not responsible for your happiness. It isn’t his job to make you happy; that’s your job. Just as he is responsible for his own happiness. He’s supposed to be your equal partner, not your emotional wet nurse.
16. The desire for sex in a committed, loving relationship is healthy and natural. Using sex to control, shame or hurt your husband/boyfriend by withholding affection or making sex transactional is unhealthy and wrong.
17. Your husband/boyfriend should be more important to you than your child(ren) just as you should be more important to your husband than the child(ren). In other words, you should be each others’ first priorities; children second. You don’t need a husband if your sole desire is to have children—unless you see the man as a source of income for yourself and the children. If you can’t support yourself, you probably shouldn’t be having children. Marriage is a bond between two grown adults; not a bond between parent and child. You vow to honor your spouse and put him or her before all others, this includes your children. Children eventually fly the coop. If you make them the focus and raison d’être of your marriage, don’t be surprised when you no longer have much of a marriage as the years pass.
18. You are only entitled to what you earn or produce. Men are neither beasts of burden nor “working boys” to be pimped out in the service of their partners or ex-partners. No one owes you a living. As an adult, you’re not entitled to be taken care of by another party unless you have documented cognitive or physical disabilities that prohibit you from working. Last time I checked, being a wife, ex-wife, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, mistress, ex-mistress, mother and/or simply a woman wasn’t considered a disability.
19. It is just as ABUSIVE when a woman slaps, kicks, hits, spits, at, scratches, shoves, pushes, punches, pulls hair, uses a weapon, swings a golf club at or throws objects at a man. It isn’t funny, cute, justifiable or deserved. It is indefensible, inexcusable, criminal and just as prosecutable as when a man acts violently toward a woman. Period.
20. The same goes for emotional abuse. It is unacceptable.
21. It is neither “normal” nor “acceptable” adult female behavior to throw temper tantrums, withhold sex, cry, rage, pout, have disproportionate reactions to events or be unable to control emotions and behaviors. At the very least, these are signs of emotional lability and poor impulse control; at worst, these are indicators of serious pathology and quite possibly some kind of personality disorder.
22. It is not okay to divert money from your joint checking/savings account(s) or open credit cards in your husband’s/boyfriend’s name without his knowledge and explicit permission. The first instance is stealing and the second is considered identity theft and fraud. Signing your husband’s/boyfriend’s signature to financial and legal documents is forgery. All of these actions are illegal.
23. It is irresponsible to live beyond your means and abusive to expect your husband/boyfriend to foot the bill or go into debt to cover your expenses. If you can’t responsibly use a credit/debit card then, much like a child, you shouldn’t have one.
24. It is never acceptable or permissible to threaten to deny your husband/boyfriend/ex access to the children you share. It is not okay to make up abuse allegations because you’re feeling angry, hurt or out of control. This is an act of slander (spoken) or libel (written) and if you swear to it in court, it’s also an act of perjury.
25. It is not fair to commit to or marry a man and then try to change him. If you don’t accept him as he is, just like you expect him to accept you and your faults, then you have no business being with him. Everyone has a right to feel accepted for who he or she is in a relationship. If he’s “not good enough” for you from the get go; keep looking and cut him loose so he can be with a woman who appreciates him.
All of these observations seem self-evident to me, which leads me to ponder how did we get here?
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Good Post!!
Hm… something like that was posted on Crazy Lady's crazy friend blog hehehe. Good it's here, too.
Damn that was on point.
I wish it was plastered on the cover of Cosmo. It would be a fuckload more useful than another 138 ways to please your man.
On second thought, let's call the list 25 ways to please your man…..
Wonderful!!! Now if only we could get the majority of our fellow women to read this. lol
Spot on, like Xander said. This should be plastered on the cover of Cosmo. Every. Issue.
I was married, and that is with a capital "was", because my ex wife managed to pull off every single thing you mentioned, and more. Thank you so much for putting this in print.
Hello,
I'm the author of "You Are Not a Princess!"
Here's the link to the original post, which The Real Savoy doesn't provide: which I apparently can't post because the Real Savoy doesn't allow readers to post links. Here's the URL minus the http:// (shrink4men.wordpress.com/you-are-not-a-princess-25-points-for-women-and-men-to-consider/
Also, my last name is mispelled.
Could you please post the link to my original article and correct the spelling of my last name.
Thanks in advance,
Dr Tara J. Palmatier
Shrink4Men.wordpress.com
There's a link to you at the very top of the post, sorry if you missed name. Name typo fixed; my apologies.
I agree with most..but not #17. I have come to believe that the strongest love is between parent and child. Biologically, a parent/child interests are more aligned than parent/parent issues.
Yes that is true between a parent and a child but that is different then putting your spouse first. Bad example but it is what I thought about. When you are in a plane crash and the oxygen masks drop, what do you do? You put it on yourself first and then the kids. It is the same way in a marriage. You can not protect your kids from being damaged without preventing damage to yourself. Like the article said, the kids will leave the house someday so they need to learn to be independent and take care of there own problems sometimes(Not always but sometimes). In a marriage when you have agreed to be with this person for the rest of your life, your problems are their problems and their problems are your problems. If you do not fix those problems they will bleed over into the relationship with your kids and in turn into your kids future relationships.
Thanks, Savoy!
I don't know, it seems to me that most of the articles written by this author are directed at fueling anger between genders and ultimately convincing men to "donate" to her blog or pay for virtual "consultations" has anyone even verified that she is a psychologist? seems like very unprofessional opinions to hold and not at all productive towards healthy relationship building. Seems like a "money scheme" to me and she is playing to a male audience using the fact that she is a female (or claims to be) to validate their feelings of angst over failed relationships. What a concept
How are those unprofessional opinions to hold? Telling a woman that her being a woman doesn’t make her entitled, excuse bad behavior, render her irresponsibility acceptable, etc. is factual, and not at all unprofessional. Perhaps you’d like to speak to specific excerpts that you feel are unprofessional or unproductive, and explain your reasoning?
This author is scarey, some people dared to challenge her opinions on her blog and she went psycho on them threatening to track them down by their IP address! I looked her up on the American psychological Assoc list, she is not listed as a member (like she claims) I love how she gets all bent on this site over her name being mispelled…let me spell it correctly F-R-A-U-D (no PhD) very creeeeepy!
You can’t even spell ‘misspelled’ correctly. Why should we trust you on the rest?
Wow really dude? it’s just a typo, one missing “S” is acceptable. Especially on the internet where people don’t give 2 shits what their spelling looks like.
I'm genuinely interested to know, if any women who have read this post disagree with it and if so, why?
I think it's a well written & balanced piece but i'm open to hear other peoples views.
TEE in London
The author of this blog has a very disturbing view of the role of women in today's society. The traditional role of "Mom stays home and raises kids" has blurred, so has the traditional role of "Dad goes off to work while Mom raises the family" Today it is almost mandatory that Mom's work as well and maintain the traditional role of primary caretaker of the children. I have to disagree with item 17…kids are both parents priority while they are young. I bet the author has no children, therefore has no idea what is involved with raising children to be functional adults. In looking at the blog, the recent articles are all soliciting funds from the audience. She claims to be bullied online and is planning to file suit in a foreign country and needs money to do so…hmmm, her next post is marketing an online messaging center that she is an affiliate of…$200 per year per person..so $400 per family. BTW, in looking at the site that provides this service..it appears as though the good doctor would rake in 25% of the commission. Where is that disclosed in her postings? Of course, you can always sign up to receive online consultations $$$$, she accepts pay pal to make it easy. Her entire audience is men who have been through bad experiences, she touts about how unfair it is that women squeeze money out of ment, all the while she is doing exactly that but under the guise of "therapist" Shame on her and I seriously doubt this sort of behavior is acceptable in ethical counseling practices
Actually, she has been targeted by several feminists who hate the fact that she counsels primarily men, and is involved with A Voice for Men. They have been trying to shut her up for a long time now. Unfortunately, “Anonymous”, the reason they want to shut her up….and are willing to use similar tactics to yours….is because of the fact that she speaks the truth about the condition of many women in today’s society.
The problem with articles like this is that those women who need to hear it will never stop to even read such a list let alone consider any of it. They don’t have to. The very reason they think like princesses is because that’s how they are treated by society. You can’t even fault them for it. You can however fault those who treat them like princesses.
Perhaps it would be more useful to address them.
I disagree with 17. My kids will be first, but the hubby a close second.
Excellent article!
Great article. Should be taught to girls at school every year and also at the beginning of every ‘gender studies’ course.
Finally someone speaks the truth and exposes the “passive aggressiveness” that some women use to get by.
although I agree with most of the article to a point that some of these also apply to man, maybe not the man that use love systems or an other program but definitely enough to make this article, again for some points, equally applicable for man as for woman.
point 12 puts up a valid point that its a gift that you should not have to work and that you should be honest with yourself, that you do not owe the right to have yourself be treated to the joys of life. But do not forget that its a luxury most families cannot afford nor expect to be standard, and I do feel its wrong to put this in the list of points to which woman should hold themselves. It’s not something common or at least its not something I have come across ever.
point 14 speaks to me as a legal student, this is a double standard, although you might see it as wrong which might be expected seeing as 99% of the time it is this way, which in fact is societies fault not woman’s fault, Man are actually eligible for alimony ,so say people should not expect to be paid alimony and I might agree with you.
point 16, I agree with the non bolded part. though it is wrong to demand sexy time with your significant other which basically. at least in my opinion, is what the part says. I hope this says enough. It should be formulated differently.
point 17 should be scrapped all together. Your children much like a pet, I agree not the most perfect comparison, should be your first priority they do not have the ability nor are they expected to provide for themselves and as such you should!!. if you do not put them above anything else that would and should be labelled child abuse. if you cannot or will not then you should not have them!
point 25, again double standard. This much applies to man as it does to woman, yes maybe not to most love system users but it does apply!
in closing I would like to say that I do agree with most of the article I do find that most of these standards as I would like to call them should be and are equally applicable to man as they are to woman
I was in a relationship where my fiance’ already has a pretty young son. We started dating when she was 2 months pregnant and I was with her until her son was 3 months old. So we were together for quite a while. But she constantly put her son before me, and at first it was over things that I understood. We couldn’t be together for “Sexy time” for the first few weeks, I was understanding about that. She flaked on me a few times mostly because she couldn’t find a baby sitter to go anywhere, or she was too tired from taking care of him to go anywhere. Both understandable, but when she started lying to me, ignoring me, and basically shoving me out of the relationship because she was too busy with him. Believe me she had many other options to go on to make the relationship work. She refused though. So she just used him to push me out of her life. Putting him first, was not the best decision for the relationship
Dude, babies take a *lot* of work. I wouldn’t have been able to maintain a dating relationship while I had infants, no matter my intentions at the outset. And how lucky she was that you were “understanding” about not having sex for a few weeks after she gave birth. What a peach you are!
Not putting children first is absolutely not child abuse. I have two children, and they are tied for first in my life, but that is because I am not married anymore. But I’ve seen no end of marriages in which one side or the other, or sometimes both, embrace the mantra of “children first.” Yes, there are many times when one must prioritize. When it’s time to care for a kid, help with homework, or otherwise see to the child’s development, yes, it’s important to hop to it. But haven’t you noticed these parents who drop everything and make no time for each other because they’re always chauffeuring their children to and fro? The only time they ever devote to each other is right before bed, in most cases, and by that time they’re usually too drained from their parental duties to really give each other any effort. This results in a cycle of less and less effort put into a marriage, and pretty soon they’re just roommates and co-parents, not spouses.
The key is to be a loving husband or wife first, and a loving co-parent second. That does NOT mean any less love for the children, but it does mean you recognize and value your ongoing commitment with your spouse.
Wow! It sounds like whoever wrote this is hanging around the wrong kind of women. I think this article has some great points, but it also stands to reason that you should make sure you aren’t hooking up with a “princess” when you first start a relationship, too! There are plenty of real, awesome, laid-back grown-up women out there. You just might have to look somewhere different than where you have been. You also might not notice them because they aren’t the ones dancing on the bar. They are the ones having a drink with friends before they go home, walk the dog, and get ready for their next day at work. They exist. :)
I think this is just directed at the ones who exhibit this behavior, not all women. Obviously it doesn’t criticize well-adjusted women who realize that their sex/gender does not make them princesses.
Seeing as how this advice could/should be directed at my ex-BOYfriend I think it’s ridiculous that this isn’t directed at the general population. It’s not just women who pull this kind of shit. Plenty of men do the exact same things. I would venture to say that half of all men and half of all women in the world are simply terrible people that the other more intelligent half has to cope with.
I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with you – I introduced the article with “I should write ‘you are not a prince’ sometime too”. That said, the author does seem to be focusing on more traditionally female behavior. Men can be just as annoying, though are often annoying in slightly different ways from women. But it’s like gender-based behavior has strict dividing lines — I’d be perfectly willing to believe that many men act like “princesses” and many men like “princes” -NS