What I learned from dating science (Guest Post) – Part I

<em>I was doing some followup with a guy who has been studying Love Systems. He’s a great guy, very sincere, and is making good progress. He’s got a good way of explaining things clearly, so I thought it would be fun to have him share his insights about what’s most important in Love Systems…from a guy who is learning it and using it every day. It goes well beyond the how do I find a woman basics.

Top Ten Lessons from Dating Science

A quick disclaimer: I’m not an experienced practitioner of game. In my quest that I started 8 or 9 months ago, I’ve observed many things about dating and attraction that are helping me to progress in my goals. Since I’m a theoretical sort of person, I formulated some of these observations in the hope that it both helps me solidify in my own mind important points, as well as providing readers of this list some confirmation or encouragement regarding their own process.

1 – Changing Your Habits is the Most Important Thing

In the age-old battle between the gods of Theory and the gods of Practice, especially in the realm of dealing with women, practice trumps theory every time. Don’t get me wrong, they are both important, for without proper theory you are left floundering–inefficiently grasping insights only by accident. (And once in a blue moon at that.) But “naturals” can be, well, quite dumb when it comes to explicit theory and yet they possess their charms through the unconscious reinforcement of successful habits over the years. As the wise Aristotle knew thousands of years ago when arguing against his theory-obsessed mentor Plato, habits form the basis of practically all behavior. Theory is most useful as the method of being able to changes one’s habits and behavior rather than being the sole key to mastery. Theory allows you to conceive of a new reality, while practice allows you to actually change it.

2 – The Paradox of Individual Woman versus Generic Woman

Is there really such a thing as “woman?” Is there a common essence that all share, or are individual women so vastly different from each other as to make such labels only gross exaggerations? The answer is learned by the always useful practice of being able to hold paradoxes in one’s mind without seeking to resolve them one way or the other. Yes, there are many features that most women hold in common, which is why Love Systems is an effective method. If there weren’t some common tendencies or patterns in female psychology at all, then the successes of Love Systems techniques would be completely random and arbitrary…which they are not. However, every women has her own unique history, biology, disposition, personality, etc. that cannot be simply reduced to her apparent similarities to other women. Hence, that paradox must remain front and center alongside the adventure of taking a risk with every new woman containing the seeds of that tension.

3 – Learning to Distinguish Quality

When you are sitting on the sidelines being envious and jealous of other people’s success with women, it is easy to fall into a starvation mentality where you are willing to accept any women thrown your way. The starving man, due to his hunger, may fail to see all the subtle grades of meat, including those not worth eating, as well as the cornucopia of potential feasts lying around the corner if only he were to explore a bit outside of his habitual lair. So to, it seems the experience of the “connoisseur” of women is in being able to develop a finer palette for those who are of quality rather than just going based upon only superficial factors. Sometimes the most rotten food that will give you the worst food poisoning is the one caked with the most appealing spices in order to hide its true nature.

4 – Most of Humanity is Locked into Their Own Consciousness and Worlds

As a general lesson in humanity apart from the game, most of us are usually “trapped” within our own consciousness. Through various conditioning, as well by a certain natural egoism, we are often locked into our own moods, thoughts, desires, habits, etc. that prevent us from taking stock of the external world around us. In my experiences doing cold approach, there is the dual realization that 1.) I too am a victim of this self-absorption for much of time, despite pretenses of being an insightful and thoughtful person and 2.) approaching a stranger in any situation throws our mutual self-absorption front-and-center, making it difficult to ignore. We’ve all had that experience, especially as a newbie, where you approach a girl, deliver an opener, and only get a blank stare or a sort of quick wide-eyed startlement before she quickly shifts her attention away. Approaching a stranger is the challenge of throwing yourself open to the uncertainties of the real social world, where you can no longer play solely by your own rules, but you must instead confront another person’s world that is also playing by its own rules. And with beautiful women especially, their internal world is under such constant bombardment in public that most of them have developed many defenses in order to protect their inner state. They aren’t rejecting you when you approach them as much as defending their mental home turf from unwanted invasion and distraction. Therefore, the skilled cold approach practitioner (or any socially skilled person, for that matter) is a master at slowly working his around the defenses of the other person and in crafting a shared third world, neither completely yours nor completely hers, where she can temporarily leave the walled compound of her mind behind and let herself be drawn into that shared realm where you are the protector and guardian. That third realm can therefore be your own mutual private space where you two can share a deeper intimacy and connection that she will find attractive and comforting.

-5 Owning Your Desire Instead of Letting it Own You

It is a powerful realization that occurs once you acknowledge that your sexual desire is neither something beyond your control nor something you can will in and out of existence. Neither victim nor master, you are constantly in battle and tension with desire, wrestling with it in order to express it in constructive ways. The victim mentality, which is perhaps most of our default position when starting out as a newbie, is that you have no control over your desire and are therefore a slave to it. But this puts you in a position of weakness and neediness because then you must look to women as the way to satisfy your desire. This puts them in the position of being an object to your weakness, which sub-communicates that weakness to them and most women do not wish to objectify themselves in that way. But neither are you in total control of your desire, because then you might be tempted to live in complete denial of your healthy instincts and become a Buddhist instead. To me, its seems a Taoist approach is the best, in that you see the forces in play and acknowledge their reality and power, but then you own that desire and channel it in the most constructive way possible. For a man who owns his sexual power, neither being a slave to it nor being too much of a control freak in repressing it, is what seems to be the most attractive to women and complementary to their sexual energy. The newbie is trapped in believing all desire is the same and is often quite vulgar in his exhortations regarding the nature of sexual desire and women’s roles in that dance, while with experience one comes to appreciate the subtle internal distinctions and not paint everything in such broad brush strokes. Once you can make that transformation, desire becomes less about filling the void in your soul and more about emitting your own energy and light in your own unique way.

—-

Feedback for the man? Leave comments. Part II will be posted later this week.