by Gil Rio

One of the greatest recent advances in dating science has been making interactions more organic and natural. Questions about this process come up often among our students. I hope this article helps clarify the issue.

If you were around the dating community a few years ago, or if you consult some of the older sources, you’ll notice that interactions tended to be broken down in rigid phases. Build attraction, then qualify, then build comfort. The problem is, most social interactions don’t work like that, so structuring your conversation in this way comes off as unnatural.

Natural conversation

If you’ve had girls tell you that it feels like you’re going through a checklist, or that things feel weird, this may be the underlying problem…

Formal and informal conversations

A rigid structure is typical of professional settings. A business meeting, for example, has an agenda. You discuss topic 1, reach some conclusions, move on to topic 2, etc. It’s designed for productivity. But informal conversations (with a friend, family member, girlfriend, etc.) are mostly unstructured. You talk about whatever comes to mind and jump freely from subject to subject.

If you talk to a girl using a blocked structure – attraction, THEN qualification, THEN comfort – and don’t transition smoothly, you may get through your checklist, but it will feel like a corporate meeting. Not exactly arousing for her…

If you’ve read Magic Bullets, you’re probably thinking, “but Attraction DOES come before Qualification, which comes before Comfort!”. And you’re right.

There are (good) reasons the stages are ordered that way. But if all you do is joke and tease for a while and then suddenly switch to low-energy qualification (as prescribed by old-school game), the interaction won’t feel natural.

The solution is to subtly blend the phases. In the first 5 minutes you typically use more attraction elements (joking, teasing, role-plays, etc.) than later on, but those elements never stop completely. They just become less frequent. The same goes for qualification and comfort – they’re always present, but their proportion gradually changes.

When you go on a bike ride, you don’t try to build momentum for the whole trip by pedaling as hard as you can for the first few feet and then just coast the rest of the distance. You pedal hardest when you take off and once you gain momentum you pedal just enough to keep moving steadily. If you stop pedaling altogether, you slow down and eventually stop. Same with attraction. You give it a little boost at the onset, without overdoing it (a guy who truly has confidence with women doesn’t try hard to impress), and then keep topping up as needed to maintain cruising speed.

Qualification starts early (something as simple as asking her name is an initial qualification step – she wouldn’t tell it to a beggar…) and gradually intensifies. It peaks as the attraction elements become less frequent, but you can (and should) keep sprinkling attraction and comfort as you qualify her deeper and deeper. Similarly, you should keep qualifying her throughout the interaction (in fact, throughout a whole relationship). Qualification never ends.

Finally, after the peaks of attraction and qualification, you focus on comfort – while periodically sprinkling in attraction and qualification.

In addition to feeling more natural, this “smoothed over” structure provides you with a calibration tool. Early qualifiers serve as compliance tests. If she doesn’t jump through your hoops, keep building attraction and comfort and pinging for compliance. On the other hand, if you have a woman super-attracted and eager to comply, continuing to tease mercilessly is a mistake. When you get a green light, drive through it before it turns red again.

Finally, realize that there is significant variation from girl to girl. The organic game “bar code” (shown in the figure) will vary depending on the woman and the circumstances. Some girls require you to build a lot of attraction before they qualify themselves, others very little. With experience you’ll learn to sense the blueprint of different girls and calibrate in real-time. Don’t let your fear of rejection hold you back from taking chances; it’s ok to mess up. Sometimes you’ll lose her interest because you didn’t build enough attraction, others because you stayed in attraction too long. It’s a process of continuous fine tuning. You HAVE to make mistakes to find out where the line is and become good at walking it.

For more information on Gil Rio visit his blog or follow him on Twitter (@LS_GilRio)

Cajun of course is the author of the Gentleman’s Guide to Online Dating and winner of Keys to the VIP. Future is the creator of “Breakthrough Comfort” and writes Futuristic Words, one of the most interesting dating and seduction sites out there. And of course, both are great bootcamp instructors. Both have been voted in the top 5 dating coaches and pick up artists in the world every year for the last four years (except Future once, when he slipped to #7…but he’s also got a #1 in there, and out of hundreds, #7 is still pretty damn good).

Check out the interview on long-term relationships (like at the top of this post), and, while you do, check out the all-new catalogue by clicking the link below. If you can’t find your sticking point in here, you’re not looking hard enough (or you need to tell us!)

Love Systems Sticking Points and Instant Solutions

On that note, this year’s PUA SuperConference will have a module on long-term relationships and how to get a girlfriend. (And a parallel module on getting one-night stands, lol…)

What you might not know is that on a space- and geography-available basis, we’re letting members of the Love Systems see some of these videos too. Actual footage from last year’s SuperConference. Even infield video – pickups, failures, and live coaching when yours truly works 1-1 with a client to pick up a cute brunette.

If there’s space for more registrations in your local area (it’s limited by geography), it’s totally free. I heard that they just deleted a bunch of invalid and duplicate registrations, so now might be a good time to check in. New videos are also being added weekly. Click the link below to watch these clips:

PUA SuperConference Vault – Free Videos

Please like / comment / tweet etc. on the post!

Hi guys, this is a continuation of my previous Field Report which turns out to be a successful night. This is a little long, wanted to be as detail as I can to get some feedback

I’ll start from Monday, a day before the date.

I texted her early in the morning , I know she starts work at 930am so I knew I would get a late reply and did not panic

Me (10.13): Hey London. Traffic in Coventry is crazy, need helicopter. How was London, did anything crazy?
She(12.34): Haha you just by a helicopter London is a very nice city, I’m so jealous
Me (12.35): Let’s move to London. Buy a house with garden, pool and a dog named Henning
She(12.49): I would not mind moving to London I would shop everyday Have you had a good weekend?
Me(13.25): My weekend was great. Competition = 45% more awesome Let’s meet by the bull at bullring at 4.30 tomorrow
She(14.54): It sounds good

I gave her call after awhile, reason being I called her earlier when she was working and turned out miss called on her phone, when she didn’t pick up, I hit myself in the head while saying “What the fuck were you thinking?” Eventually she text me to call her again. Nothing special about the phone call, basically she was trying to figure the location because she wasn’t familiar with Bull Ring. Of course, got a verbal confirmation on the date. Happy days!

The Date

I was late about 15 minutes but I did text her earlier letting her know I was late.

When I got there, saw her smoking and leaning against the pillar. Walked towards her and gave her a hug and went straight to Starbucks. While walking, did a bit of fluff talk. When I got there, I was shocked to find out there weren’t any couch there. We went and got our drinks, and the first thing that came into my mind at that time is to make sure I sit next to her and make do with whatever I have.

Managed to sit near her where physical touching (kino) would be possible. Went straight with light Attraction and then went into normal conversation, fluff talk (credit Zenith for reminding me to be human and not gamey every time). Along the way qualify her and then comfort stories. Basically, I want to learn more about her so we talked and share information and get her talking and me keeping my mouth shut and make sure I listen.

I also found out that she was leaving this weekend, and I thought I have another week and half with her not 4 days

I did a cold read using the Ring routine which I tweak like…A LOT and made stuff up along the way

About an hour after we decided we go window shopping to look for present for her friends back home. I was trying to figure out if I should just hold her hand and lead her to Bull Ring or should I just walk side by side with her. I eventually did figure out that walking side by side with her isn’t going to work because she walked way too fast. I find myself trying to catch up with her every now and then. Eventually, we reached a T junction and she was heading the wrong direction and then I reach out with my left arm and put it behind her lower back to guide her back to the right track and I was already having my arm around her shoulder the whole time after. Somehow going for her hands seems odd, so once in awhile I will just let go and walk by ourselves.

It could be just me but by this point, the whole thing seems to die down a little, and to be honest I freaked out a little. We weren’t escalating in our conversation and kino, it was in flat line mode. So, after walking for about 45 minutes and found out she couldn’t get anything here, I suggested we take a walk and told her about this jazz bar that we should visit after, I was overselling the cider which is nothing special to be honest but she never try it before.

I thought taking a walk enjoying the scenery by the canal would be a good idea, at least I thought she would walk a little slower and change the mood a little but no….. she was walking fast. Now this is where it got awkward a little. I saw a small bridge and the sun was just at a nice position where you could enjoy the view. I decided to be a smart ass and did the “almost kiss” routine. I would say it backfired because of my poor delivery and I wasn’t calibrated enough to know that it wasn’t the right time to use it.

She: Sorry, I don’t kiss people I’ve just met
Me: We’re not kissing *trying to keep a cool and a poker face at the same time – not easy

I transition straight to something else coz I didn’t want it to effect the whole evening so I told her that we should head to the jazz bar we were talking about. She agreed and while walking I started conversation just not to have the awkward silence, I started asking about her job, engaging her logical brain really.

When we got there, you just know the mood has change a little, it was a really relaxing bar with great lightings and with the sun still shining outside, you know it’s all good. Got to a nice couch where she could sit next to me and this is where I start to do what I can and not screw this up. I cycled through attraction, qualification and comfort, keeping in mind that I want to find out about her, something that she wouldn’t tell others easily.

Playing the question game is definitely money. Easily pass the time without awkward silence and every question, I try to fit in some story that is true to my life, just so I can DHV a little more. 30 minutes later, I found out that there is an open mic tonight and I thought I was the luckiest person in the world. You see, I’ve been into this bar before ages ago when I first got an instant date, I brought her here as well, same day same time, but no music. Totally change the whole evening making it so much better.

People started to crowd in as well and musicians playing that night sat next to us, and it was only natural to be social and start talking to them and of course because I felt that I needed to pull away from talking to her and building rapport so much, 2 steps forward 1 step back. One of the girls I talk to was really cute, she and her sister and her friends are playing later tonight and I introduce them to my girl and all of a sudden we were like the coolest group in the bar

Just going to list out the stuff that I did, basically played the Question Game; Marry, Fuck or Kill; Strawberry Farm and we played a bit of Thumb Wrestling and she was into it as well. All the games we played is money.

Now towards the middle of the evening (about 9ish) I suggested we played another game and she was so eager to play and she said “I love your games, it’s so fun!”

I did all the kino test eg. Putting her hand on my lap and it just stayed there, she did pulled it away to drink and after that straight back to my lap. As we were playing games and maybe along the line of “Let me see your hands”, I found myself seating very close to her, she was in my arms, I was caressing her hands and she did the same, the music was playing and it definitely set the mood.

Because we were so close, it felt natural just to turn my head to her hair and said “You smell so good, I’m trying so hard no to kiss you”. No flinching, no jerking, no response from her and I was pretty sure I was very clear coz I was whispering in her ears. I looked away and enjoy the music. I look back at her again and our eyes met and then I saw that classic sign, she was licking her own lips!!! Bear in mind I’ve never kiss a girl before so I was pretty nervous but at that very moment, I just felt calm and I went in for the kiss, ok the first time I did it was just a peck on the lips, I was still a bit nervous after all but what I found out was when I went in for the kiss, she actually came forward so I was taken aback a too. I look away again and then I went in for the second kiss, and we were making out! It was slow at first and then it heated up, our hands start to move. Just caressing her back, her neck, arms. Seriously I’m surprise I can even kiss at all. We were in our little bubble, I mean everyone was enjoying and listening to the music. We were there in our own world, enjoying the music in our own way.

It did lasted quite awhile, and I was pretty lucky that I didn’t come across all this resistance that we learned about through our PU journey. I didn’t push away or anything but I know I have to stop. I’ve read from the Lounge that kissing is one of the top in physical escalation and cannot just overplayed it so I cycle through the escalation. Went back into playful touching, tickling her, thumb wrestling her again, and slowly working my way back to the kiss.

Suggested that we go somewhere else, it just came across my mind that there is clubs and bars at Chinatown that opens late so we went to the bar. Our journey from jazz bar to china town is full of spontaneous kissing on the streets. Eventually we got to the bar in one piece. Now nothing much happen here except we kiss again but this time it got into arousal I would say, we started touching somewhere else, really hot and heavy and I thought “Shit…..!” it’s been said countless of times even in Magic Bullets that no use going too far if we can’t set the logistics right for the lay. Logistics in this case is definitely fuck, she lives with a host family (a single woman) and I live like 20 miles away.

I thought to myself this is it, it was late, she has work and I should drive her back, partly because I wanted to see her again and if pushed to far, I might get into trouble I mean obviously I was calibrated enough to tell. So I told her that I will drive her home and then she said “No, thank you”. The first thing I thought was “FUCK, where did I screw up?” I mean she was saying “No” like she didn’t want to get into your car. I thought she was into me???? I remembered my conversation with Zenith and another friend of mine, telling me to enjoy the company of the girl and I did, I fucking did. So at that point, I’m not pushing anymore, told her that I will walk her to the taxi and say goodbye. Thinking I’ve done my best.

Funny thing happen after that, we talked and found out she didn’t want me to drive because we had a few drinks and she ask me to go back to hers, I was like… “Okay”

This is my first sexual experience and I was really nervous that my little guy down there didn’t want to get up. It was frustrating but I didn’t want to ruin the night for her so I made sure she was satisfied and happy to my best of my ability. There I said it!

The best part of all was were sleeping together and then I just look over my shoulders and seeing a blonde sleeping next to me on my chest, feeling her every breath and her warm, I was just a happy man after that night.

To be honest, this is the funny part, I couldn’t sleep at all, a different bed, having someone else naked sleeping with me was definitely something new. I was trying so hard not to wake her up and I thought to myself I better not cramp now, she was sleeping on my arm the whole night and her legs was on mine.

The next morning we talked and she said that was the best night she’s had for a long time and happy to have met me and also she said I was a good kisser, have no idea where that came from. She’s leaving this Saturday for Denmark and I’m seeing her again tonight for the last time before she goes back for good. This has been an incredible experience in terms of my personal growth and PU. So much work and effort has gone into this. This has been the only cold approach pull that ended up in bed and I hope its not the last. All I can say from this is, it’s worth it. Every laughter, every tears and sweat put into this is worth it.

As much as I hate saying this, luck has definitely played a big role that evening, especially the open mic session but having said that, without proper structure and skillset that I have, I might not even get the girl when clearly all the signs are there and that would deserve a kick in the nuts.

A big thank you to Mr M, without you as a role model and brother figure, I think I’ll still have the negative mind-set that being Asian is not attractive and seeing you doing the things you do just empower me to be a better person and to have self-respect towards my ethnicity and my culture. Thank you, you’ve change the way I approach life

A big thank you to Zenith for being not just an incredible coach, but more importantly a friend, who is willing to share and support me along my journey, our last conversation really hit home mate, thank you

(Speaking of Mr M., the final post on his student’s field report will be coming in the next couple days)

Hey Mr. M,

You claim that Nick Savoy is the best. That is good to know. But what
does Nick Savoy recommend to someone like me who is getting more
attention from women than he can bear? Women do everything to get my
attention, like claiming that there is something wrong with my
invoice, so they can get to speak to me, they kiss me on the mouth
saying it is an accident, and there are even civil servants who want
to see me even though they have nothing to tell me, phycisians, vets,
cleaners, waitresses, women of all ages and social standing want to be
close to me. I even get marriage proposals by women through e-mail,
even though they have never seen me in real life or even a picture of
me. They even fight each other for who gets to be close to me. You
understand? I am drowning in women! And whatever I do, they just won’t
go away and won’t leave me alone. I have no idea what I do to make
women behave that way. So you understand that I am desperately in need
of advice from a real expert on this matter, to get rid of women
without ruining my reputation. Please help me!

Yours truly,

[Name withheld]

It’s too easy to make fun of this so I won’t even try. But…I love the reference to “civil servants”. There’s nothing like the DMV lady to bring to mind instant sex appeal.

(Every successful live training graduates get free, lifetime access to The Lounge for ongoing support from instructors and instructors-in-training, and to share with other former clients, etc. It’s not always the lead instructor from your bootcamp who will respond (and often you’ll get a few responses), but in this case it was).

Mr M replied:

Hey mate,

Good to hear from you and good to see you making progress since the bootcamp.

So your interaction itself seems to have gone pretty well and you have her attracted and wanting to meet up. Good job on that. The key with text and phone game is simply to get them to meet back up with you. It doesn’t have to be anything special and I’d advise against “forcing” sexualisation, which is what it feels like you’ve done.

Callback humour is best to use when it comes to texting but if you don’t have any then you can make stuff up based around either role plays, stereotypes, etc. See aladins post above for good examples.

When you went to sexualize the text though I think it came out the blue and didn’t follow the rest of your interaction, which is probably why she had the reaction she did mentioning that she thought it was just coffee. You may lose girls doing something like this. What do you hope to accomplish doing something like this? If she has agreed to meet up and is responsive over text, then keep doing what you are doing and escalate in person.

Just one thing I’ve noticed from reading this, you may not have included it in the Field Report but messaged her anyway…have you set a time and place for the meet? If not you should do that you have an actual time planned rather than just ‘Tuesday’ which is a bit arbitrary.

In terms of what you can do til next Tuesday, there isn’t a huge amount you probably need to do. This girl is a short fuse [A term from the Ultimate Guide to Phone and Text Game]in that you’re meeting her soon so all I would really do is short ping texts until Tuesday to keep attraction spiked. These kind of texts can be either little bit of callback humour, or random cool things you’ve been up to, or funny stuff you noticed etc. Monday – in my personal game, I would probably have called her after a few texts back and forth on that day.

When it comes to leading, this isn’t something you can establish easily over text. When you get to the meet you can just jump back in where you left off, start with a little bit of attraction to spike back up but then just go through the motions of qualifying, comfort, while spiking attraction very so often and you can sexualize as the date progresses. You can lead the interaction on the date any number of ways, once you’ve had a coffee you can say things like “have you ever seen x, or been to y” etc. and lead her this way. Think of some cool things in Birmingham you know that you can take her to or show her, whether it be cool bars, cool places, things to see etc.

Your logistics are a little harder of course and if you don’t have a place to go then it is difficult. There isn’t a huge amount you can do to rectify this unfortunately. If you have mates that live there you can always try and see if you could take her there should you end up needing a place to go. Alternatively, you’re kind of stuck if you live far from ________ other than really going to her place.

You’ll have to judge how into you she is and how sexualized the interaction gets as to whether you could end up bouncing to her place.

In our next post we’ll see how he did with Mr M’s advice…